Question about play

**hubbyand wife** · 03-28-2011, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by CARRIBEAN BUFFS

I think there is a fine line between healthy conversation about boundries and overkill.
Asuming play has very distinct degrees, having an agreement on what degree of play you would both be confortable with is necessary, but beyond that, trying to analyze
every possible situation, especially when you are relatively new to it all, like we are, can send you crazy. I know with my wife, her confort level doesn't allow for too much indepth discussion of every possible situation. I think it starts to make her feel that things are too planned, and takes away from the excitment of it all. And of course, dwelling on things too long leads to second guessing yourself.

I couldn't agree more. I realize you don't want to make bad decisions after a full day of sun, nudity and alcohol. But, is it really realistic to think you can make decisions today sitting in your cozy familiar livingroom while it's still snowing outside about what might happen on the beach in a couple of months? Setting unbreakable boundaries and rules seems to me to only ask for trouble. Personally, I could see me stepping in to stop a situation that my wife was now more than willing to participate in and commenting that how was she to know two months ago it was going to be like this. Seems having more flexible 'rules' is the better way to go.

**CandG** · 04-01-2011, 12:38 AM

Originally Posted by hubbyand wife

I can understand the whole communication thing but doesn't having a rulebook with you kind of spoil the spontaneity of being on vacation? This is our first time to Hedo, and we really haven't set any rules. We plan on just going with the flow. We'll be celebrating our 29th anniversary there, so I think we really know each other pretty well by now. Like CandG said, wouldn't a simple "You okay, Baby?" be enough?

With much respect, I disagree. We have seen vacations ruined (and I mean badly ruined) because one or the other of the couple crossed a line that they might not have even known existed because they didn;t' talk about it beforehand. We've been together a long time and we don't have a rulebook, but we do have some boundaries and we're both clear on what they are. We also know that if we get close to those boundaries we'll check with each other to make sure we're both ok. Our experience is that "winging it" in the lifestyle, especially in the Hedo environment with all the booze and sun, and especially if you're new to the lifestyle, can be very dangerous. Maximum respect, every time.

**CARRIBEAN BUFFS** · 04-01-2011, 01:03 AM

Originally Posted by CandG

With much respect, I disagree. We have seen vacations ruined (and I mean badly ruined) because one or the other of the couple crossed a line that they might not have even known existed because they didn;t' talk about it beforehand. We've been together a long time and we don't have a rulebook, but we do have some boundaries and we're both clear on what they are. We also know that if we get close to those boundaries we'll check with each other to make sure we're both ok. Our experience is that "winging it" in the lifestyle, especially in the Hedo environment with all the booze and sun, and especially if you're new to the lifestyle, can be very dangerous. Maximum respect, every time.

I agree with CandG, and would like to clarify my previous post. I think everyone would agree, every couple is going to have their own clear definition of what play means to them, with specific do's and don'ts. Sticking to your own definition is crucial. My point was, once you have that clear definition, there is really no need to rack your brains trying to think of every possible situation that could arise to test your resolve. Afterall, none of them may ever happen, and if your both are in agreement with the boundries you've set, worrying about things that haven't happened yet could cause undo stress. I suppose your boundries could change on the fly, but for your relationship's sake, it better be mutual agreed upon, not assumed.

**CandG** · 04-01-2011, 01:16 AM

Originally Posted by CARRIBEAN BUFFS

I agree with CandG, and would like to clarify my previous post. I think everyone would agree, every couple is going to have their own clear definition of what play means to them, with specific do's and don'ts. Sticking to your own definition is crucial. My point was, once you have that clear definition, there is really no need to rack your brains trying to think of every possible situation that could arise to test your resolve. Afterall, none of them may ever happen, and if your both are in agreement with the boundries you've set, worrying about things that haven't happened yet could cause undo stress. I suppose your boundries could change on the fly, but for your relationship's sake, it better be mutual agreed upon, not assumed.

Carribean, you said what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better.

It's also important to have a conversation with the people you're going to play with so that everyone is aware of what each others limits are. Full swap folks often are not interested in playing with non-full swap couples and that's fine. It's just better that everyone is aware of what's cool and what isn't before it gets to that moment. That way, no one is disappointed (or upset).

**CopNkitten** · 04-01-2011, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by CandG

Carribean, you said what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better.

It's also important to have a conversation with the people you're going to play with so that everyone is aware of what each others limits are. Full swap folks often are not interested in playing with non-full swap couples and that's fine. It's just better that everyone is aware of what's cool and what isn't before it gets to that moment. That way, no one is disappointed (or upset).

Funny story on that line CandG We met a couple once and as you are saying, we chatted for a long while about what we wanted, limits, etc. They said that the female half was really mainly interested in women (kitten) and after the girls played though she would give the guy a BJ, but alot of couples turned them down because she would not fuck them.
So I say "wait, I get to watch your hot wife and my hot wife together and then get a blow job from your hot wife after, and people turn that down?"
I mean really, I don't see the down side here.
It's about having fun and enjoying yourself isnt it. Not what you "can get".
Paul....

**UKPaul** · 04-01-2011, 04:10 PM

A variety of views here, and there's no right or wrong. We'd been together almost 20 years vefore we came to H2 3 years ago and we'd spent YEARS talking about the possibilities, consequences etc. We are so solid with each other that we know there's not really any situation that could phase us, and we only have one rule - we NEVER do anything out of eyesight of each other - we actually find the buzz of looking into each other's eyes while we are with other people a real turn on! We find the spontaneity of the sitaution at Hedo a real buzz as well! I'd recommend anyone going for the first time to spend a long time talking over the possibilities, and we also find that being absolutely straight and honest with the people you meet is a great idea, and setting out your likes and limits is a great intro. As Cop says in his last post, it's not aboput what you "can get" - and anyone who is there with that attitude will be a total jerk and should be avoided. We've done everything from going all the way to mild flirting and it's all good. Very, very, good in fact. Only 2 weeks to go.

**UKPaul** · 04-01-2011, 04:12 PM

On another note, could some of you more experienced posters tell me how to alter the settings so that our profile picture appears with the posts?

**genn** · 04-01-2011, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by UKPaul

A variety of views here, and there's no right or wrong. We'd been together almost 20 years vefore we came to H2 3 years ago and we'd spent YEARS talking about the possibilities, consequences etc. We are so solid with each other that we know there's not really any situation that could phase us, and we only have one rule - we NEVER do anything out of eyesight of each other - we actually find the buzz of looking into each other's eyes while we are with other people a real turn on! We find the spontaneity of the sitaution at Hedo a real buzz as well! I'd recommend anyone going for the first time to spend a long time talking over the possibilities, and we also find that being absolutely straight and honest with the people you meet is a great idea, and setting out your likes and limits is a great intro. As Cop says in his last post, it's not aboput what you "can get" - and anyone who is there with that attitude will be a total jerk and should be avoided. We've done everything from going all the way to mild flirting and it's all good. Very, very, good in fact. Only 2 weeks to go.

Wow... you crawled in our heads saying this.... Regarding picture, it is avatar picture you need to download.

**UKPaul** · 04-01-2011, 05:38 PM

Maybe we'll crawl into other parts of each other as well in a few weeks.....
Avatar done, drinks ordered.

Originally Posted by genn

Wow... you crawled in our heads saying this.... Regarding picture, it is avatar picture you need to download.

**genn** · 04-04-2011, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by UKPaul

Maybe we'll crawl into other parts of each other as well in a few weeks.....
Avatar done, drinks ordered.

LOL Anything can happen at Hedo...

**paul kenti** · 04-04-2011, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by 4us2

Has anyone ever have a spouse that said they would not pare take in playing with others until the heat of the moment came about an went thru with it ? I think in the heat of things many things are possible but not sure if we should test the waters.

Whenever will be the first time, I am of the opinion of letting it go or like you said the heat moment can be the right one. When the spouse is sober than it is no good to discuss what and when to do. The effect of some drinks always helps both to relax mind and body. You more than anyone to evaluate how things work out with your spouse. The good thing is that starting from zero you have nothing to lose.

**MILFHUNTERS4FUN** · 04-09-2011, 10:49 PM

[QUOTE=UKPaul;131193]we NEVER do anything out of eyesight of each other - we actually find the buzz of looking into each other's eyes while we are with other people a real turn on! We find the spontaneity of the sitaution at Hedo a real buzz as well! As Cop says in his last post, it's not aboput what you "can get" - and anyone who is there with that attitude will be a total jerk and should be avoided. it's all good. Very, very, good in fact. [/QUOTE

Umm, yeah, what he said..."bang" on for us.
One other point to add, as you progress in the LS, boundaries will most likely expand, and they can expand in the moment, just make sure to have that eye contact of approval before they do.

**magjoy** · 04-10-2011, 12:33 AM

Originally Posted by bobandlaura2004

Before we left I made up a chart of all the various activities that I could think of potentially occurring. There were permutations for the person answering being the involved party as well as the person answering being a not-involved party. We checked off if we were ok with it, ok with it if the non-involved person was present, ok with it if asked right before hand, and not ok with it. Then I set up a cross tabulation chart to show where there was amenable overlap and voila... we had a table of the activities that we were both ok with doing and with the other person doing.

So we knew all the important things before we left... and amongst those is the fact that I am a big nerd who likes charts and tables.

The Colonel is right, I'd hurt him if he put our sex ideas on a spreadsheet/chart/table.
I am sure it's helpful toward other's, though. I whole heartedly agree, this is something that should be talked out.

**LNRyno** · 05-03-2011, 11:27 PM

I believe the longer a couple is together the more trust and communication you develope. We have been together for
over 30 yrs. and in that time things have evolved. In the beginning jealousy is big but over the years your comfort level
and trust grows. Now I love it when guys check out my wife and say she's got great tits. Having another guy play with
those breasts and the thought of her giving another guy one of her great BJ's is exciting. I don't worry about her because
I know she's going home wth me.

**SouthernFried** · 05-04-2011, 10:27 AM

I have to 500th the talk talk and talk some more. Our first trip we decided soft swap only at a max- our definition for soft swap- up to and including oral at our comfort levels. He had a little unease the first time he witnessed me giving another guy a BJ right up until guys wife latched on to him-- lol

over time there has been full expansion of our boundaries. Our overall communication levels have exponentially grown as well--if you can talk to your spouse/partner about sex with someone else, what is there you can't talk about ?!?